I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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