i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
