I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
