nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
