I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
