last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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