Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
