Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
