Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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