If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
