there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
