OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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