Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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