Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
