Got a toothbrush?
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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