I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I could fuck to npr.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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