i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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