I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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