between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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