I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
