There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
