the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
