My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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