Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
