my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
