I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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