k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
