Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
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i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
FUCK WHALES
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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