he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
