i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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