Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Your tits are I can't wait for
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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