How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
