Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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