Your mouth is God's brothel.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Four minutes until I can fart!
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
