you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
