The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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