i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
