She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
