Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
