Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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