so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
