I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
