i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
