thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
