Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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