Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
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We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
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I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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