Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
