I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
