if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
