If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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