So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
