I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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