Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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