Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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