new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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