dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
