No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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