I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
